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NOT YOU AVERAGE FAIRY-TALE by Melanie Clarke

Sample pages:

LOLA:        It’s no good Crunchie, where will I find a husband who will let me be independent, let me be roam free….

CRUNCHIE:                 Ooh! You mean like on the adverts.

LOLA:                            What?..

CRUNCHIE:               You know the one, where you can do anything you want to do, ride bicycles, run, skip, jog…

LOLA:                            Yeah Crunchie….like the advert.

(Crunchie smiles, pleased with himself.)

LOLA:                            I’ve got ambitions Crunchie,

CRUNCHIE:       Ooh, me too…one day I’m gonna be….bigger!

LOLA:        Yes Crunchie, I don’t just want to be bigger, I want to be the biggest! The best! I want to make changes…run the country! Like…what was her name?

CRUNCHIE:                 Charlotte Church?

LOLA:                            No….

CRUNCHIE:                 Angelina Jolie?

LOLA:                            No!

CRUNCHIE:               That skinny model one with Rock star boyfriends?

LOLA:                            Maggie Thatcher!

CRUNCHIE:       Was that her name? She didn’t look like a Maggie….

LOLA:                            Or Mahatma Ghandi.

CRUNCHIE:                 Mahatma what?!

LOLA:                            Or Mother Theresa

CRUNCHIE:                 Yeah, or…..Kate Moss!

LOLA:                            Yes Crunchie, just like her.

CRUNCHIE:       You’ll find someone Lola. You’ll think of something.

 

TWINKLE TOES AND MOTHER

 

MOTHER:          Now dear, you know that time has come.

TWINKLE:         When I paint my nails?

MOTHER:          No Twinkle, the time has come when you become a woman…

TWINKLE:         We’ve done that talk mother….I’ve seen the adverts.

MOTHER:          No dear not that, the time has come when you embark on a new life.

TWINKLE:         You’re sending me to Paris….mother! (she goes to hug her)

MOTHER:          The time has come for you to find a Prince.

TWINKLE:         A Prince! Goodie sounds divine! Will he be…tall and handsome?

MOTHER:          Well, so the saying goes I suppose….

TWINKLE:         Will he have eyes like Wentworth Miller?

MOTHER:          Well, I can’t guarantee…

TWINKLE:         Will he have hair like Sharukh Khan?

MOTHER:          Well if you want him to I’m sure he could….

TWINKLE:         Will he have legs like…

MOTHER:          Steven Gerrard, yes, yes!

TWINKLE:         Mother! I much prefer the Italian players legs!

MOTHER: (aside) Don’t we all!

TWINKLE:         Then I can’t wait, I’ll go and make myself beautiful……done!

MOTHER:          Twinkle, its going to take a little more than that to fix this one…first we have to find a man that’s worthy of your special beauty.

TWINKLE:         Then, I’ll go and read a magazine….because that might take a long time!

(she exits and Mother shakes her head)

 

 

MADAME DAGGER AND DRUETTA

DAGGER:          This is no good Druetta, you are becoming a liability!

DRUETTA:         A what!

DAGGER:          A difficulty?

DRUETTA:         What?

DAGGER:          A nuisance!

DRUETTA:         Oh, yeah. I suppose you’d know how that feels.

DAGGER:          What did you say?

DRUETTA:         Nothing.

DAGGER:          Everywhere I look, you’re getting under my feet.

DRUETTA:         And they’re big feet!

DAGGER:          Did you say something?

DRUETTA:         No mother.

DAGGER:          You’re always in the way, right under my nose!

DRUETTA:         And that’s a big nose!

DAGGER:          What did you say?

DRUETTA:         Nothing mother.

DAGGER:          And everywhere I turn, you’re behind me, right behind my…

DRUETTA:         And that’s a big……!

DAGGER:          Druetta!

DRUETTA:         But…..(she smiles)

DAGGER:          Well I have a plan, we’re going to find you a man

 

(Druetta rubs her hands with glee.)

DAGGER:          But first, we’re going to have to make you beautiful….(to audience) we’ve got a long night ahead of us!  exit

 

 

HENRY THE HERO AND RUMBLESTILLHIM

RUMBLE:          Can I help you?

HENRY:             Well I don’t know, can you help me? Am I a man that needs help?

RUMBLE:          Um, yeah….

HENRY:             (not listening) You see a man like me…is the kind of man that helps others….brave, courageous…

RUMBLE:          35 for a cut and blow dry, 40 for a cut, blow dry and style….70 will get you the complete rumblestillhim re-style extravangza.

HENRY:             (looks into wallet) I’ll just have a cut…..a man like me…

RUMBLE:          Take a seat. (covers his mouth)

HENRY:             Is this really necessary?!

RUMBLE:          Oh yeah….it’s necessary….I get this all the time, princes coming in here thinking they’re all that but this one is….something else! (Henry is struggling)

HENRY:             Will this be on for long? Only, I’m beginning to feel a little queasy.

RUMBLE:          Queasy! I thought he was brave and courageous! Just a moment sir…

RUMBLE:          I suppose I’ll give him a break, he loves his job as a prince and I love my job….as a hair and beauty extraordinairre.

RUMBLE:          There you go, all done

(Henry takes out an inhaler)

RUMBLE:          Of course, there wasn’t much to do…you are a very handsome man! ….

HENRY:             You’re right…I am…..

RUMBLE:          Well, got to clean up for my next client, some queen or something…goodbye! Got to make them feel good!

 

(he exits sweeping the floor and singing)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                

 

           

 

           Not Your Average

                 Fairytale

      

                Only £40

          One price includes

           performing rights

           Easy download

    

 

 

 


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